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I Did Not Marry My Soulmate

I did not marry my soulmate. And my wife would agree. Before anyone picks up their pitchforks and torches, let me explain. The philosopher Plato is credited with coming up with this notion of “soulmates”. He believed that prior to birth a perfect soul was split into “male and female,” and that to be complete they must find each other and “reunite their souls.”  Many people out there believe in this idea of soulmates.

We all have heard someone say:

“I’ve found my soulmate” or

“We are meant to be together” or

“He/She is the one”.

Some Christians believe in soulmates, saying that the love of their life is a “gift from God”.

The concept of finding one’s soulmate is something pop culture puts out there on what an ideal romantic relationship ‘should’ look like. We are told that when we find our ‘soulmates’ or ‘the one’, we will be happy and finally be complete. Sadly, this places unrealistic expectations on the relationship. If complications in the marriage begin to occur (and they inevitably will), some might take this as a sign this person must not be ‘the one’.

Read: Has your spouse become your idol?

No wonder divorce in the United States is so high! Sadly, 4 in 10 marriages have ended in divorce.  

Early on into our marriage, I viewed our relationship incorrectly. I thought getting married was going to usher in my own happiness. When things went wrong, doubt would set in. But later on, I came to realize, I had the wrong perspective on what God’s purpose was for marriage. My purpose and completeness should come from God, not my wife.

Gary Thomas points out “the problem with looking to another human to complete us is that spiritually speaking, it’s idolatry. We are to find our fulfillment and purpose in God…and if we expect our spouse to be ‘God’ to us, he or she will fail every day. No person can live up to such expectations.”

As a society, we have an ungodly view of marriage that is more transactional. The pop culture perspective of marriage is focused more on what the other person brings to your life which is quite selfish. Having this perspective on your marriage will lead to disappointment and possibly divorce. 

Marriage was not created by God to find our own personal happiness and purpose in another person. He designed marriage to reflect the love He has for us. Our marriages should model the kind of relationship that Christ has for His bride, we the church. We must model the love in our marriages as defined in Ephesians 5:25-30:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body.

This means pursuing a love in our marriages that is sacrificial, purifying, and unwavering. As Christians, our marriages should reflect the love Christ has for us. Marriage is about sharpening each other for our own salvation, not about finding our own personal happiness, purpose, and completeness in another person. Marriages are comprised of two broken people who came together to become one flesh. Having a godly perspective on the purpose of marriage provides the necessary building blocks for a successful and lifelong marriage. The pop culture perspective will only bring disappointment and unhappiness. When we fulfill God’s purpose for marriage, it will bring glory to Him and His kingdom.

My wife is not the one. She’s the one because I married her. When we came together, I was one, she was one, and when we got married, we became one. I didn’t marry her because we were destined to be together by fate. I married her because that was my choice. And it was her choice to marry me. I love her because I choose to love her. And she loves me because she chooses to love me. No matter what I will always choose to love her every day for the rest of my life. This is my promise to her.

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9 thoughts on “I Did Not Marry My Soulmate

  1. Great and necessary post. And it has a corollary: “You might as well start learning about God’s love now. Nothing else will ever satisfy.”

    The church is so lacking on the last part when it comes to singleness advice. They tell singles that marriage will not complete you, that only God will – and then go quiet. End of sermon/book/post. They never go on to tell you HOW to find God’s love – what it looks like, what it does, how to disentangle everything else that hinders and SEIZE it. Kind of necessary, don’t you think? It’s bizarre. I’ve had to find out largely for myself.

    1. I’m very appreciative for you reading and making an excellent comment. I fully agree with you. I had to learn about Gods love on my own. I’ve been to a few churches and the pastor or preacher doesn’t not teach on how to find Gods love. Too many times, one spouse or another tries to find their purpose in another person, not realizing they won’t be able to be complete with out knowing the love that God has for them. When both husband and wife are first focused on God, the relationship then can begin to fulfill the intent God has for marriage.

  2. ” Sadly, 4 in 10 marriages have ended in divorce. ”

    Bear in mind that that statistic is misleading as there are people who go through multiple marriages and that distorts the reality. 40 per cent of the married people do not end up in divorce.

  3. This title reminds me of another provocative post I recently saw on fb. It went something like ‘why you shouldn’t read the Bible’ and the person proceeded to explain how reading alone ain’t enough but actually to understand it (apply assumed). So, coming to the VERY IMPORTANT POINT, you’ve made an excellent point Joshua, that marriage might be more about ‘making a soulmate’ of the one you’ve married. And I would agree on that for a marriage. However, there is another very important aspect to the ‘soulmate’ part which can easily get drowned in spiritualizing matters which need more of practical attention (not that practical stuff is any less spiritual, but it’s just that it may not have a ‘religious’ façade to it). So coming to that, there are a few basics that go into making marriage the ‘soulmate’ thing, such as I seem to gather from the Bible, virginity to begin with. Added onto that there are some important basics as compatibility (it could be matters as ethnic background, education, and then the many others we generally know), fidelity and probably many others. So it is these things that make up for a successful marriage. So there is some effort to ‘find’ the soulmate, and if such has been done, it will make for a much smoother marriage, otherwise one has to work at it backwards…Still getting the degree and then understanding one’s area of specialization is not a bad idea, but the better way might be to make all the studies part one of understanding and appreciation. So it might be both…the more important one being the point you made…However that then also involves the other spouse the problem of which might be greatly reduced if the seemingly ‘less important’ part has been done…A provocative title is good, however, some finer details could get glossed over for an attention getter…cheers…I’m with you…btw I did post on the ‘Don’t ever read the Bible post’ too…you might get why 😉 cheers!

  4. I actually did marry my soulmate; but not the pagan kind. God intended the two of us to help the other foolish sinner we both are, to get each other to heaven. We have seen conflict, sorrow, laughter and joy, and learned to forgive each other and trust God more. After 38 years, we realise we both still have a lot to learn and be repentant for. We always will, and we will do it together.

    1. Thank you for comments. I appreciate your view on soulmates. I respectively disagree. I don’t believe God wanted my wife and I to be together. My wife and I made a choice to be together. I was one, she was one, and we made a choice to get married and we became one. Loving our spouses is a choice we have to continually make everyday. I appreciate your comments. Thank you for reading. Blessing.

  5. God chose my husband, and I came in agreement with God and so did my husband. Yes, I choose to love my husband, but could not do it without the love of God. The fact that we can even think that we can do things independent from God or even choosing, is irroneous. Yes we have free will by God, but even love is initiated by God, so is every act and every prompting.

    Also, many people are commiting adultery even married. Just because a couple are married by a pastor or any minister, it doesnt mean that God has chosen or approved their union. It doesnt mean that God has approved it. A truly married couple is one together under the will of the Almighty God.

    My husband IS my soulmate in the sense that God has ordained this person for my life since before I was born and the same goes for him. And we choose to love one another only because God loved us first and we come into alignment with God’s will.

    We cannot be so humanistic in thinking that we can choose wbo we want and God MUST bless our decisions. WE MUST come under submission under God’s will in order for any marriage to work.

    #10yearsproudunderGodswill

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