Adultery: Guilt & Shame

Everywhere you look, there’s some group that’s trying to raise awareness for their cause. They plan marches, hand out flyers and do everything in their power to make people feel as passionate about their cause, as they do. However, the latest plot twist in my life brought a startling revelation. You know what I’ve learned, the only time you truly understand or are aware of a problem is when it’s at YOUR doorstep. People will get involved when the situation hits home.

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Everywhere you look, there’s some group that’s trying to raise awareness for their cause. They plan marches, hand out flyers and do everything in their power to make people feel as passionate about their cause, as they do. It’s admirable, all that time and effort. However, the latest plot twist in my life brought a startling revelation. I grew up in the Church, I have heard countless stories of infidelity, we all have. You know what I’ve learned, the only time you truly understand or are aware of a problem is when it’s at YOUR doorstep. People will get involved when the situation hits home. It is what it is.

Lambs being led to the slaughter

What has startled me the most is the guilt and shame that the victim goes through. It causes them to become lambs being led to the slaughter. I generally don’t like to repeat myself but just in case you missed my last post, here’s what you need to know. There is no excuse for adultery. None, nada, zilch Got it?

What you need to realize is that, at our core, we all know that there’s no excuse. This is why as soon as the affair starts, the perpetrator begins the process. They look for ways to find fault with you. They start to plant seeds in your mind. They might pick on something that you do, or something about you. They might say that they were miserable for years or even that they were forced into marrying you. The intention is to use this as a tool to blame you for what they’ve done. You made me run into the arms of another because… Fill in the blank.

Would you believe that the night I found out, I was so brainwashed that I blamed myself and apologized? Yup, believe it. This guilt and shame, that feeling like you were not enough, it paralyzes people. This is why most people remain silent about the affair, for many years. They cover up for their unfaithful spouse because they believe they were somehow unworthy of faithfulness.

A miracle product

I’ve had people tell me that they were all alone in this nightmare. They had no one to turn to. That’s because you felt so guilty that you told no one. Let me introduce you to a miracle product, the amazing “Guilt & Shame Detangler” also known as the truth. I… told everyone. Not because I didn’t feel shame, I just didn’t know what to do. I am a terrible liar. Growing up, I got caught so many times that I eventually gave up. Lying is not my forte.

You’ll never guess what happened, instead of being ridiculed and mocked, people rallied around me. People shared their own experiences in this situation. They gave me hope because they went through it, and were now remarried to amazing people that love them. They guided me and best of all when they heard the reason for the affair, they gave me concrete reasons as to why it was merely an excuse.

You’ll be surprised at how the mode of operation is the same and there are similarities in the stories. You need to remember that infidelity is very common so there’s a lot that you can glean from others. This allowed the lies to unravel at a rapid pace and I was able to see the situation clearly. The truth will detangle your guilt. You realize that this is not your fault. You will save years of anguish if you let people in. You will heal faster.

Alienation

What is surprisingly common is that you will be alienated from people who were starting to sense that something is wrong. In most cases, you will be the one that initiated the distance from these people. You see, without hard evidence, no one will come forward. Honestly, most people will be too afraid to come forward even if they have damning evidence. You will be surprised at who will come to your aid at this time. You’re going to eat some humble pie but this is necessary and a part of the process.

Now Read This:  Grace Identity

Do you know when they ask you if you want to supersize your order? That was my humble pie. I got the big, deep-dish humble pie and I ate the whole thing too because I have issues with wasting food. So eat up, nom nom nom… Make sure you swallow your pride and apologize to those people.

This is not the time to be stoic or recluse. An isolated person can be easily manipulated. Be wary of attempts to isolate you. You need people around you and they need to know what you’re thinking and feeling. I get it, you don’t want people to know your business. Well, if they don’t know what’s going on with you, how can they advise you? They act as a sounding board. They will pick up things that you miss. They will analyze the latest bit of information.  They will protect you from yourself. They will be there for you. They will pray for you.

Reconciliation?

They need to understand the situation so they know how to pray. God forbid they pray for reconciliation. An old lady in our Church told me once that she was praying for reconciliation. I just smiled but in my head I was like, I bind you in Jesus name. I know she meant well but no one deserves unfaithfulness. The covenant was broken. (Refer to my last post)

Just as a final note, never allow anyone to force you into reconciliation. Especially by using scripture that is taken out of context. Many people have reached out to me after reading my thoughts and experience in this situation. It’s a crying shame how many are struggling because “they are trying to do what’s right in God’s eyes“. It is so unfair that the victim has to suffer emotionally and spiritually in this manner. It’s a monster of a topic, challenge accepted. This has to be tackled methodically and blog posts won’t work, a book is in order.

Next month, I’ll talk to you guys about surviving the emotional tide. Bye for now.

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7 thoughts on “Adultery: Guilt & Shame

  1. Great comment because I went through this and never learned from my own mistakes until much later. Guilt is one thing, shame is piled upon us, either by us or at us, and often the church turns its back on those who know, who will shame, send about rumors. It is far easier for non-Christians to rally around us because many Christians do the condemning. Wives are not required to suffer under verbal abuse, nor the children physical and verbal. I ran but I ran the wrong way when a Christian advisor told my ex I was at fault. Oh, boy. Actual guilt for the sin of me running to those who weren’t Christian resulted in my sin. And people continued to heap shame. For. Years.

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